I feel like I need to “have church” and confess a couple things. I mean, it is Sunday, so it seems appropriate.
There are a couple of posts I made this week that are not entirely true. One was meant to be (and thankfully received) as funny. The other was honest, short sighted, and in hindsight I have come to realize also false.
I do cook. And I even like to cook sometimes. But not lately. Cooking for this household has its challenges. These challenges make it hard for me to like cooking. But I think it’s not even the cooking I dislike, really. It’s trying to come up with a meal that meets the expectations of those who would eat it. I would enjoy just cooking for me. But that’s selfish. And I don’t want to be selfish. I also don’t want to have to explain what every ingredient is, why I chose those ingredients, why I didn’t think to use some other ingredient. It’s just too complicated! I don’t want to do the mental gymnastics required to make sure everyone would be pleased with what I cook. The irony is that when I was a kid, my diet was very restricted. I hated it! And cooking for me was not easy. I just wanted to be easy. Didn’t want to be a problem. But I know it wasn’t easy. So..maybe it’s not irony after all. Seems I still just want easy.
I do have fears. That one has been swirling around since I wrote it. I’m realizing my fears are all relational. Being insignificant. Abandonment. Being too much. Being not enough. Rejection. Missed opportunities. These scare me. The thing I’m most scared to do, in a nutshell, is be vulnerable. Which, if you know me, is satirical. Historically, I’ve tended to jump into relationships with both feet and then check to see if there’s any water in the pool. It’s very much my attachment style at work (often against me). What would it take to get me to be vulnerable? Depends on who I’m with, and the relational equity or baggage I have with them. Blogging helps, though. I can be pretty honest here – when I’m honest with myself!
Pinwheel in a Hurricane 
Ugh. Yes, being vulnerable is so hard! It’s something I’m working (struggling, more like it) with also.
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Look at you… being a bit vulnerable… 😊
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Having read your last paragraph about your fears, David, is like me looking into a mirror as you reflect the same fears I have – fear of rejection and abandonment, being insignificant, not being enough or being too much etc. I’ve read quite a bit about attachment styles before – it’s something I’m very interested in, although by no means an expert – far from it. I know that most of my fears came from my experiences of childhood trauma. The only thing that I find different is the ability to be vulnerable. If anything, I feel (and mainly know) that I’m too vulnerable. However, there’s something about blogging that gives me permission to be just that in my writing. I’m unsure whether it’s because I’m safely ‘hiding’ behind a screen or that I don’t have social contact with all my readers (apart from one or two) and the bloggers I follow. I feel that writing gives me the freedom to be myself and to be open and honest about my feelings. Being honest with ourselves is important, although I admit I don’t always know that I’m doing that 100% compared to being honest with others.
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Sounds like we’ve likely had some similar formative experiences, Ellie. And yeah…I often feel that I’m being too vulnerable. Yet, it remains a signifcant fear for me because historically, for me, vulnerability led to pain and rejection. And yes, blogging has given me the opportunity to be more “safely expressive”, without expecting any specific sort or reception or response.
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Vulnerability is hard. Be easy with yourself…
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