too kind

19 Replies

A couple of times recently, two different people, in response to something I said to them, replied with “you’re too kind”.

Remember that old country song by Daryle Singletary, Too Much Fun? (If you’re at all like me, only click that link if you are okay getting this song stuck in your head). I mean, fourteen people in the back of a pickup truck is probably too much. Especially if it’s moving! There are various other scenarios when fun can be too much – especially if my fun is hurtful or harmful to another. But maybe I digress a little?

When someone tells me I’m too kind, my default is to understand (interpret) their words to be a somewhat deflective way of saying “thank you”. Did the words I shared with them feel a bit too much? This is where my mind goes – I tried to be considerate and truthful, but as is pretty usual for me, it was just too much! I was too much. I’m learning to notice this too much feeling and not enmesh, then search out the part of me feeling insecure, and search further to see where/when this feeling comes from so I can practice some compassion towards myself for feeling this way. I do this a lot. And it is having a positive outcome. Explicitly, I know I’m not too much. Implicitly, I’m still learning this truth. But isn’t it interesting how someone’s response, which they probably think is pretty reasonable and kind, can be experienced as unkind?

All the same, is it even possible for anyone to be “too kind”?

In comparison to being nice, being kind – from my perspective – is truly showing up for the benefit of someone else, even if doing so requires relational risk. As stated above, it is to be both considerate and truthful. It can be just words, but might also require action. For instance, if you were to tell me you frequently engage in and enjoy behavior that puts your health at risk, being nice might be for me to say “okay, have fun – as long as you’re not hurting anyone else”. Conversely, being kind might require me to share that I want you to enjoy your life, but this behavior is dangerous to your health and I’m not okay with it. You could then tell me to mind my own business, or reject me altogether. But as your friend, it’s still the kind thing to do.

Kindness always includes care – for self and others. Genuine care. Not just going along to get along. Practicing kindness to self, and to others, has brought me out of disorder and into integration.

It’s just not possible to be too kind.

Change my mind.

19 thoughts on “too kind”

  1. Melissa Lemay

    Was one of the people me?😅 I am guilty of saying that. I think it’s one of those idiomatic (is that the right word) expression that people just know what it means. I suppose I could say “you are kind” instead. For me, it’s returning a compliment with a compliment. “Thank you for your kind words” “you’re kind” both show appreciation and I think (for the most part) that is understood.🙃
    But to answer your question, no, I don’t think it is possible to be too kind.☺️

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    1. David Post author

      Might’ve been… 😏
      I’m curious. Do you think of it as “just” returning a compliment for a compliment, or would you consider it to have a bit of deflection as well?

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      1. Melissa Lemay

        I’m better at accepting compliments than I used to be. I don’t see it as deflecting. At the risk of sounding like a total weirdo, I try to vary my responses so I don’t sound like a robot. “Thank you” “thank you” “thank you” twenty times in the same post.😜 I will note to say something along the lines of “thank you, kind sir” to you from now on.🤭

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  4. Wynne Leon

    Ah, what a great uncovering of “too kind.” You’re right – I was definitely using it as a deflection although more as a reflex. It was it no way because you said too much. And I completely agree in the kind versus nice thing.

    I’ve learned two things here. That saying, “I’m not sure I’ve earned that compliment” might be a better response. And that I agree, you can’t be too kind!

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    1. David Post author

      Yes, Wynne, you were one of the “too kinders”. 😏 I’m certain you didn’t mean it as a trigger for my own insecurities. I’ve never experienced you in that way. As for earning a compliment? Maybe we can’t earn them, fully, ever? I dunno. I’m, personally still learning how to receive them. Thanks for all the kindness you share.

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